Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is the most American movie ever. To be more specific, it’s an expensively, maybe even carefully, constructed meta-prank about America, pop-culture and other topics best left un-addressed by giant talking robots. “Revenge” can only be a goof. It must be—that it would make a boat load of money was a given, and with that goal out of the way, director Michael Bay, stars Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox and the rest of people responsible for this travesty must have had some other endgame in mind. Laughing with and at everything that is great and stupid about modern life in America seems as reasonable an explanation as anything presented in the movie, though that’s damning with faint praise indeed.

Here are the ways in which “Revenge” is the movie that most embodies, celebrates and ridicules America. There’s nothing America loves more than believing in crazy conspiracies, aliens and fake religions. In this case, the ancient predecessors of the Transformers built the pyramids to disguise some sort of giant machine that was supposed to destroy the sun. Except they met some primitive humans and decided not to use the machine (well, except for one evil robot, who was banished some place and became the “Fallen” referred to in the title). Thousands of years later, people still believe this crazy stuff, particularly John Turturro, reprising his role as a government spook who likes to take his pants off and talk to himself. (There is also nothing more American than removing your pants when the mood strikes, no matter what the situation. We are, after all, a relaxed people.) There’s also a brief detour into Robot Heaven during the bombastic climax. Robot Heaven is full of mist and robot angels and it’s so ridiculous that it can only be a joke. None of this may make sense now, but don’t worry: it doesn’t make sense in the movie, either.

America is also all about blowing shit up, in both real life and in the movies, and that’s something “Revenge” does a lot with great technical skill. There are flaming comets, robot eviscerations, destroyed battleships, demolished buildings and a number of other things that go boom. They all usually explode in slow-motion, which is American for “dramatic emphasis.” Michael Bay is really great at putting everything in slow motion, including two dogs running away from an explosion. But blowing things up is Bay’s job, and blaming him for this is like blaming a plumber for fixing your pipes, so why get mad? When “Revenge” doesn’t resemble a commercial for cars and explosions, it looks a lot like a recruiting video for the U.S. military, which is unmatched in the ability to make things explode. All these interests dovetail nicely.

Bay’s ability to make things erupt in dramatic, expressive fireballs is matched only by writers Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman and Ehern Kruger’s prowess at cheap humor and bad jokes. Coincidentally, bad jokes and cheap humor are one of America’s chief exports, and “Revenge” makes up half of the country’s gross domestic product of yuks this year. And how could it not, in a movie that features robots with testicles, robots humping Megan Fox’s leg, and two dogs that hump each other on a bird house (before they run away in slow motion)? If John Turturro saying, “I am beneath the enemy’s scrotum,” is too subtle for you, you may be interested in the pair of racial stereotype robots. They talk jive, have gold teeth and “don’t do much reading.” There’s also a senior citizen robot that walks with a cane and farts out a parachute (this robot transforms into a jet; if you’re tempted to ask why a robot jet needs a parachute or a cane, maybe “Revenge” isn’t the movie for you). Of course, America doesn’t have the market on stereotypes cornered, but our pop culture does a pretty okay job at it.

American pop culture is also pretty okay at using sex to sell stuff, including movies aimed at children. This happens a lot in “Revenge,” because Megan Fox’s boobs, lips and ass have a major starring role. She also sometimes says things, but usually just poses or runs in slow motion. There’s another hot chick running around the movie, but she’s actually a robot trying to put the moves on Shia LaBeouf. Though Fox herself looks like a sex robot built in a lab and programmed to beguile dudes and ladies across the land, she is definitely human and wants LaBeouf to say he loves her. But he can’t, and this creates the sort of dramatic tension that can only be resolved with longing glances and having Fox’s boobs bounce around in slow motion.

Mostly, “Revenge” doesn’t make a damn bit of sense, even though a helpful robot appears every 30 minutes or so to explain the plot and tell all the humans (and the audience) what’s going on. Robots smash each other for some unclear aim and some humans try to help them, but even that summary doesn’t begin to penetrate the layers of ill-conceived plot points that make up “Revenge.” All of this distracts from what the movie should really be about: robots beating the hell out of one another. It happens often, but not often enough, and all that other stuff makes the film way too long by at least an hour or more.

America means well; at the very least, it means something. And “Revenge” does too, in its own way. Part toy commercial, part sales pitch for the flagging auto industry with a helping of pyrotechnics and a dash of sex appeal, “Revenge” adds up to what can only be an elaborate prank about American culture. What the joke is, or who it’s on, isn’t clear, but maybe some wise old farting robot will explain it to us in the inevitable third movie.